The 4 B words of a balanced diet / by Scott Fauble

Dietary advice from Faubs.

Here’s the thing about reading dietary literature to try to make a good decision about what you should eat, there is just too much damn data about what you’re supposed to eat or not eat. Some people say you should avoid carbs, some say you should eat lots of carbs. Some people are all about paleo, or a raw diet, or veganism while some people go the other way and praise $5 Little Ceasar’s Pizzas as quality nutrition. Then you have all of the companies who make a “nutrition product” specifically tailored for runners. Well, today all of your fretting and tireless of studying the backs of protein powder packages come to an end. I am going to share my carefully tailored, easy to remember dietary advice. The B’s of nutrition by Scott Fauble. All you need to remember are these 4 B words to inform any decision about any meal you’ll ever eat.

Breakfast, Burritos, Both, and Beets.

Breakfast: Ron Swanson, the greatest fictional character ever, proudly displayed a framed poster of a plate of breakfast food behind his desk. That’s be all the credibility that breakfast should ever need. However, I want to write more about why breakfast is the first B that you need to keep in mind when thinking about your diet, and at the end of the day this is my website. There’s a reason that many restaurants extend their breakfast menu all day, because breakfast is the best meal! You don’t see many places that are willing to serve spaghetti and meatballs at 8 am. Because that’s really weird and gross and not breakfast. Breakfast is also the only meal of the day when you can eat dessert as a first course and not get judged. You want to start your day with cake well, have you heard of a panCAKE? You can literally slather a piece of dough in sugar to start your day and no one can say anything because breakfast. Maybe you don’t want to go down the sweet road for your breakfast, that’s ok too. Take a trip down the savory road with me and let’s talk omelets. Omelets are your chance to get creative with your egg dish. Spinach? go for it! Green chilies? Absolutely? You want to throw some meat in there? Do it! Artichokes? That’s kinda weird, but it’s none of my business because it’s YOUR omelet! Omelet ingredients are a little like Drake’s dance moves in Hotline Bling (Mom, I know you aren’t gonna get this reference so watch this), they don’t have to make sense (scroll down til you find it, you'll know.) on their own but when you throw them together their straight fire! Do you, and make some delicious freaking omelets people! Finally, breakfast is typically when one consumes coffee. Coffee is the key to the best version of yourself. It’s better than any self-help book or Dr. Phil show. Got a problem, drink coffee! Need to get something done, drink coffee! Want to function at a more efficient and generally better level, you guessed it, COFFEE!!!! Many scientific studies performed in my apartment support my assertion as to the efficacy of consuming coffee until your hands shake!

Oh, and a quick note to the World Health Organization, I know that part of your job is to disseminate information that I can use to make informed decisions about my health. Here’s the thing though, STAY AWAY FROM MY BACON!!!!! They’re my arteries to with what I wish, and I wish to cram as much damn bacon into my body as possible!

Burritos: If you follow me on the twitter then you know that I love me some Mexican food! I’ve never opened up about this love of delicious meat, rice, beans, and cheese wrapped in warm fluffy tortillas and occasionally smothered in a spicy green or red sauce. Frankly, I don’t really think I need to open up. I mean, have you ever eaten a burrito? Case. In. Point. While I truly believe that burritos are the most ubiquitously delicious thing to ever grace a plate, I also realize that some people haven’t dug their teeth into quite as many types of burritos as I have so I want to give you a few tips on burrito variations. First, the chille relleno burrito, this is typically a meatless burrito but what it lacks in carne, it more than makes up for in deliciousness. A chile relleno is a deep fried pepper, usually of the poblano variety, filled with melty cheese. It’s truly amazing. However, you have to be careful when you bite into the relleno because sometimes it doesn’t tear cleanly and you definitely don’t want to pull the whole delicious doughy thing out of its burrito casing. Seriously, it’s a big bummer. Second, the California burrito. It’s a burrito with french-fries in it. Pro-tip: don’t put ketchup on it. Third, a chimichanga is just a big deep friend burrito and it’s so damn good! Please, everyone, eat a chimichanga and eat one soon! It will change your damn life! The last burrito tip I’m going to give out today is this, don’t be bound to the menu. Ideally you are getting your burritos for from a family establishment with pictures of the dishes on the menu and hopefully you have to struggle a little bit to communicate your order because of a language gap. If this is the case, these places will basically make any burrito you want them too. You just have to ask. I’ll never forget the first time I asked to just add a chile relleno to a carne asada burrito. The man behind the register, Leo, looked at me and said, “I don’t know how much to charge you.” I responded, “Whatever you think is fair, amigo.” I knew I had come across something beautiful. No longer restrained by the menu, that kitchen became my playground and I blossomed into the burrito Buddha who sits here now. When you do this, tip well. They’re doing you a favor and you’ve found one of the good spots. Treat it with the reverence of a church or national park because you are going to come back to this spot multiple times a week for however long you live in that city. Soon you’ll be on a first name basis with the owner. Someday you’ll be there as a storm rolls in and the bartender will ask you if you want to crash in the apartment above the restaurant and ride out this storm. You’ll thank this man for his generosity but leave at a reasonable hour so as not to inconvenience him and a bond will be born. After many more weeks, hundreds if not thousands of dollars will be spent at this place and it will become a second home for you and your friends. Your relationship with the bartender will progress to the point where he will pour you a shot of tequila, on the house, every time you close your tab. Eventually he will invite you to drink with him at this very bar on his day off. When this happens you know you’ll be home.

Oh yeah, burrito bowls… well, I’ll let Nate Silver take this one.

Both: BREAKFAST BURRITOS!!!! Eat them any time of the day and just let the tasty euphoria sweep over your taste buds and engulf all of your senses at once. If there is a heaven, it’s a giant breakfast burrito filled with eggs, cheese, and chorizo and instead of angel wings we have a stomach incapable of being filled. Here’s a fun tip, if you wrap your omelet in a tortilla it becomes a breakfast burrito! It might not be as good as the one you buy at your local burrito store, but it is 1000000 times better than had you not wrapped it in a warm tortilla.

Beets: There is a ton of research that suggests that consuming large quantities of beets makes you fitter in endurance sports and that is all fine and good. That being said, I knew beets were good for you the first time I saw the red hue of my urine leave my urethra and hit the urinal back in the locker room at Portland. Any food that makes it look like you are excreting your own blood is guaranteed to be good for you. Beets are also good for a fun prank every now and then. Here’s a tip for all of you college upperclassmen; next year, the night before the first hard work out that the freshmen will be privy to, eat a lot of beets. Like really an excessive amount. Then, after the workout when you get back to the locker room and have to relieve yourself call all the freshmen over to watch as you “piss blood.” Then as they stare in dumbfounded admiration at you, make sure to really nail home how bad ass you are with a line like, “Every damn time.” Or, “That’s how you know you’re in shape.” You will be a god!

I hope you’ve all enjoyed this little post about the 4 B’s of a complete diet. This simple combination has come after years of careful tinkering, testing, and evaluating my food choices and I stand behind it 100%. I just want to conclude by saying that I am completely open to scrapping this entire food pyramid if a company wants to pay me to eat their product or just send me food stuffs. In this event, I will write a new post about how good your product is and how it fits seamlessly into the balanced diet of a professional athlete. Looking at you, Skratch, Powerbar, Justin’s Nut Butter, Honey Stinger, Cliff, Garden of Life, Gatorade, Powerade, etc Hersheys, Starbucks, Chipotle, et al.

Enjoying a burrito,

Faubs